Forced to Choose between Parents
Question:Assalam wa alaikum,
I belong to a household where in my parents have never seen eye to eye on anything. Now in their old age their differences have become even more enhanced and unresolveable. My judgement forces me to sympathize my mother more than my father. This offends my father considerably and now it has gone to the extent that he does not want to keep relations with me.
I have read somewhere that there is a Hadith which condemns offending the father. Then there is also a Hadith which gives more rights to a mother than the father. How does one choose a parent (to support in their old age)without going against the Islamic rules? This keeping in mind that I think my judgement is fair.my foremost concern is to not spoil my akhira.
Thank you.
Answer:
Assalamu Alaykum,
People often misinterpret the advice of the Qur’an about parents. What the Qur’an advises us is to be kind to parents, to speak respectfully to them and to be humble in front of them (2:83, 17:23, 24). This however does not mean that we should remain silent when we see a fault or an injustice from our parents. The general meaning of Amr bi Ma’ruf and Nahy an Munkar (advising to do good and to avoid evil deeds) does not exclude parents. Of course this advice should be given in the best possible way and the kindest manner when it comes to parents.
In between your father and your mother, you need to see what behaviours are not justified (and this might not all coming from one side) and try to correct those behaviours. The criteria to decide what behaviour is wrong should be on the basis of justice only.
If you feel that your father has an unjust behaviour against your mother then you have every right to try to fix this. However fixing this should not involve you disrespecting your father in any way. If your words of humble advice do not work then perhaps it is more practically beneficial if you seek the help and the consultation of other elderlies in your family.
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February 2013
I belong to a household where in my parents have never seen eye to eye on anything. Now in their old age their differences have become even more enhanced and unresolveable. My judgement forces me to sympathize my mother more than my father. This offends my father considerably and now it has gone to the extent that he does not want to keep relations with me.
I have read somewhere that there is a Hadith which condemns offending the father. Then there is also a Hadith which gives more rights to a mother than the father. How does one choose a parent (to support in their old age)without going against the Islamic rules? This keeping in mind that I think my judgement is fair.my foremost concern is to not spoil my akhira.
Thank you.
Answer:
Assalamu Alaykum,
People often misinterpret the advice of the Qur’an about parents. What the Qur’an advises us is to be kind to parents, to speak respectfully to them and to be humble in front of them (2:83, 17:23, 24). This however does not mean that we should remain silent when we see a fault or an injustice from our parents. The general meaning of Amr bi Ma’ruf and Nahy an Munkar (advising to do good and to avoid evil deeds) does not exclude parents. Of course this advice should be given in the best possible way and the kindest manner when it comes to parents.
In between your father and your mother, you need to see what behaviours are not justified (and this might not all coming from one side) and try to correct those behaviours. The criteria to decide what behaviour is wrong should be on the basis of justice only.
If you feel that your father has an unjust behaviour against your mother then you have every right to try to fix this. However fixing this should not involve you disrespecting your father in any way. If your words of humble advice do not work then perhaps it is more practically beneficial if you seek the help and the consultation of other elderlies in your family.
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February 2013
