Problem of Marriage in the West
Question:
Salam living in west with a family that is secular i being the only practising muslim in the family, finding a wife the traditionally way is many time almost impossible , many people here meet and then later register the marriage after living together for a long time. My question is this way haram because many women here don’t want to marry directly.
Answer:
Salam,
I live in the west as well. I appreciate that many women (and men) do not want to marry soon after meeting a suitable person. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Often rushed marriages result in failure.
I will comment on two situations before making a more general point:
I think it is this second situation that you are referring to. This second situation can be of two kinds:
a. The couple have all the intention to stay together forever. In my view there is no difference between this and what we call Nikah (i.e. marriage) in Islam. Registering the relationship as husband and wife or referring to each other with such names have never been essential elements of nikah. Very similar cases are already discussed in the jurisprudence literature by both shia and sunni jurists and are referred to as nikah al-mu'atati (نكاح المعاطاتي) or ziwaj al-urfi (زواج العرفي), with views on allowing or disallowing them. Obviously I agree with the former views.
b. The couple do not yet have the intention of staying together forever however they have the intention to try their relationship to see if it leads to the intention of staying together forever.This in my view is nothing but temporary marriage. Temporary marriage is allowed by the shia jurists and some sunni jurists while the majority of the sunni jurists disallow it. Nevertheless most of those who disallow it do appreciate that this was allowed at certain time during the time of the prophet (pbuh). If this relationship was allowed by the prophet (pbuh), even for a specific period of time, then even if we consider it disallowed today, we still cannot refer to it as zina (fornication).
I am still studying the concept of temporary marriage at this time and have not yet formed a definite view about it. However I do consider the specific situation in 2.b. (above) to be a specific situation wherein temporary marriage is in fact allowed.
Please note what Islam tries to prevent is irresponsible and corrupted attitude in relationship between man and woman. An innocent relationship between a man and woman who are genuinely look for possibilities to stay together forever in my view cannot be called irresponsible and corrupted. Of course such a couple need to consider to what extend they want to have physical relationship and they need to think responsibly about possible result of such relationship.
As a more general point, it is important to understand that the aim of Islamic law with regard to marriage was not to formulate a specific way for marriage. Rather, the aim was to eliminate wrong ways and adjust the already in practice ways to avoid moral corruption. As the societies evolve and different and new ways for 'marital' relationship emerge, it will be the duty of the jurists to evaluate these new ways in the light of objectives of Islam and to determine which ones are acceptable. If instead of this, they simply compare the form of these newly emerged forms with that of the traditional marriage and rule out anything that differs, it will lead to ignoring the demands of the time and further distancing from what is relevant, feasible and practical in the society.
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Farhad Shafti
August 2018
Salam living in west with a family that is secular i being the only practising muslim in the family, finding a wife the traditionally way is many time almost impossible , many people here meet and then later register the marriage after living together for a long time. My question is this way haram because many women here don’t want to marry directly.
Answer:
Salam,
I live in the west as well. I appreciate that many women (and men) do not want to marry soon after meeting a suitable person. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Often rushed marriages result in failure.
I will comment on two situations before making a more general point:
- The man and woman meet each other on a regular basis to get to know each other before marriage, and there is no physical intimacy. I do not see any problem with this.
- The man and woman already know each other and they decide to move to the next stage as they see the prospect to live with each other forever. In this next stage they have a relationship that is the relationship of husband and wife, meaning it is also of a physical nature. However they do not refer to each other as husband and wife in the traditional sense. Obviously they also do not register their relationship as a marriage relationship.
I think it is this second situation that you are referring to. This second situation can be of two kinds:
a. The couple have all the intention to stay together forever. In my view there is no difference between this and what we call Nikah (i.e. marriage) in Islam. Registering the relationship as husband and wife or referring to each other with such names have never been essential elements of nikah. Very similar cases are already discussed in the jurisprudence literature by both shia and sunni jurists and are referred to as nikah al-mu'atati (نكاح المعاطاتي) or ziwaj al-urfi (زواج العرفي), with views on allowing or disallowing them. Obviously I agree with the former views.
b. The couple do not yet have the intention of staying together forever however they have the intention to try their relationship to see if it leads to the intention of staying together forever.This in my view is nothing but temporary marriage. Temporary marriage is allowed by the shia jurists and some sunni jurists while the majority of the sunni jurists disallow it. Nevertheless most of those who disallow it do appreciate that this was allowed at certain time during the time of the prophet (pbuh). If this relationship was allowed by the prophet (pbuh), even for a specific period of time, then even if we consider it disallowed today, we still cannot refer to it as zina (fornication).
I am still studying the concept of temporary marriage at this time and have not yet formed a definite view about it. However I do consider the specific situation in 2.b. (above) to be a specific situation wherein temporary marriage is in fact allowed.
Please note what Islam tries to prevent is irresponsible and corrupted attitude in relationship between man and woman. An innocent relationship between a man and woman who are genuinely look for possibilities to stay together forever in my view cannot be called irresponsible and corrupted. Of course such a couple need to consider to what extend they want to have physical relationship and they need to think responsibly about possible result of such relationship.
As a more general point, it is important to understand that the aim of Islamic law with regard to marriage was not to formulate a specific way for marriage. Rather, the aim was to eliminate wrong ways and adjust the already in practice ways to avoid moral corruption. As the societies evolve and different and new ways for 'marital' relationship emerge, it will be the duty of the jurists to evaluate these new ways in the light of objectives of Islam and to determine which ones are acceptable. If instead of this, they simply compare the form of these newly emerged forms with that of the traditional marriage and rule out anything that differs, it will lead to ignoring the demands of the time and further distancing from what is relevant, feasible and practical in the society.
--------
Farhad Shafti
August 2018
