Sex before Marriage
Question:
I am asking this question on behalf of one of my agnostic friends. My friend believes that having sex before the marriage is not a big issue. She thinks that it is actually healthy to have sex before marriage as it helps you understand the other person not only emotionally but also physically. At the same time, according to her, it does not impact the family system, as we cannot say that in a society where the sex is prevalent has more divorces than the one without it. She thinks that sex is a natural need of human beings and since nowadays marriages are late, there is no harm if a person has sex before marriage. Can you please help me make her understand why it is not good for society, that person and the institution of family to allow sex before marriage? I will be grateful for your answer.
Answer:
I think It is too simplistic if we consider the two factors of 'divorce rate' and 'knowing the person better' as the only important factors and then without any reliance on any statistics about these factors decide whether something is good or not.
Arguments can be made for both sides. With the lack of proper statistics it is impossible to come up with any conclusions about the actual effects of sex or no sex before marriage in societies.
One thing I can say, not based on any scientific study but based on my own observation (as some one who has lived in both kinds of societies with regard to allowance or forbiddance of sex before marriage) is that I have seen that while the concept of family is still a relevant concept in societies where sex before marriage is not allowed, the concept is becoming less relevant as times passes, in societies where this is allowed. I have seen that the very fact that people can have sex before marriage has contributed in being less interested in forming a family.
Also, I have seen that in societies where sex before marriage is allowed, thirst for new and not normal ways of sex is much higher than in societies where sex before marriage is not allowed. In other words, it seems to me that in the societies where sex before marriage is not allowed, most people feel sexually satisfied when they will be able to have sex with their spouse. However where, as the result of allowance of sex before marriage, sex is quite common and accessible in the society, it seems to me that having sex with the spouse is not at all satisfying for many and they look for new frontiers in sexual experience.
Also bear in mind that in reality, in societies where sex before marriage is allowed, people are not doing this in order to know their possible future spouse better from physical point of view. Many do this just for pleasure. We should not ignore the vital effect of this on the society. Overall, I have found the societies in which sex before marriage is allowed much less moderate than the ones that forbid this. In fact, while the concept of 'Hayaa' is a very crucial concept among the communities where sex before marriage is not allowed, I have not seen much of this concept in societies where sex before marriage is available. In fact, the English word 'modesty' does not seem to carry the concept of 'Haya' anymore and I am not aware of any other English word for this concept!
I emphasize again that the above is purely based on my personal observation and is not based on any stats. However I think this observation, that does not seem to be an isolated one, is worth thinking and studying the subject in a deeper level.
To be more specific about the Abrahamic religions, it is a fact that the level of modesty that they expect from their communities is such that considers sex before marriage to be unacceptable. There are many other religions that share this level of modesty as well. One may decide to not subscribe to the requirements of that religious community. However to question their target modesty level in my view has no basis.
Please also see the following answer where I have elaborated on what actually 'marriage' means in the term 'sex before marriage'.
Related topics:
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- Sexual Relationship before Marriage
I am asking this question on behalf of one of my agnostic friends. My friend believes that having sex before the marriage is not a big issue. She thinks that it is actually healthy to have sex before marriage as it helps you understand the other person not only emotionally but also physically. At the same time, according to her, it does not impact the family system, as we cannot say that in a society where the sex is prevalent has more divorces than the one without it. She thinks that sex is a natural need of human beings and since nowadays marriages are late, there is no harm if a person has sex before marriage. Can you please help me make her understand why it is not good for society, that person and the institution of family to allow sex before marriage? I will be grateful for your answer.
Answer:
I think It is too simplistic if we consider the two factors of 'divorce rate' and 'knowing the person better' as the only important factors and then without any reliance on any statistics about these factors decide whether something is good or not.
Arguments can be made for both sides. With the lack of proper statistics it is impossible to come up with any conclusions about the actual effects of sex or no sex before marriage in societies.
One thing I can say, not based on any scientific study but based on my own observation (as some one who has lived in both kinds of societies with regard to allowance or forbiddance of sex before marriage) is that I have seen that while the concept of family is still a relevant concept in societies where sex before marriage is not allowed, the concept is becoming less relevant as times passes, in societies where this is allowed. I have seen that the very fact that people can have sex before marriage has contributed in being less interested in forming a family.
Also, I have seen that in societies where sex before marriage is allowed, thirst for new and not normal ways of sex is much higher than in societies where sex before marriage is not allowed. In other words, it seems to me that in the societies where sex before marriage is not allowed, most people feel sexually satisfied when they will be able to have sex with their spouse. However where, as the result of allowance of sex before marriage, sex is quite common and accessible in the society, it seems to me that having sex with the spouse is not at all satisfying for many and they look for new frontiers in sexual experience.
Also bear in mind that in reality, in societies where sex before marriage is allowed, people are not doing this in order to know their possible future spouse better from physical point of view. Many do this just for pleasure. We should not ignore the vital effect of this on the society. Overall, I have found the societies in which sex before marriage is allowed much less moderate than the ones that forbid this. In fact, while the concept of 'Hayaa' is a very crucial concept among the communities where sex before marriage is not allowed, I have not seen much of this concept in societies where sex before marriage is available. In fact, the English word 'modesty' does not seem to carry the concept of 'Haya' anymore and I am not aware of any other English word for this concept!
I emphasize again that the above is purely based on my personal observation and is not based on any stats. However I think this observation, that does not seem to be an isolated one, is worth thinking and studying the subject in a deeper level.
To be more specific about the Abrahamic religions, it is a fact that the level of modesty that they expect from their communities is such that considers sex before marriage to be unacceptable. There are many other religions that share this level of modesty as well. One may decide to not subscribe to the requirements of that religious community. However to question their target modesty level in my view has no basis.
Please also see the following answer where I have elaborated on what actually 'marriage' means in the term 'sex before marriage'.
Related topics:
------------------
- Sexual Relationship before Marriage